View source for Zombie Tea Party 5/Transcript

Zuri: Hey, I'm drawing here!

Jessie: Zuri, that is a beautiful... lion! Alien? Sasquatch? Tell me if I'm getting warmer.

Zuri: It's you.

Jessie: Hmm.

Zuri: See, this is your hair.

Jessie: Oh. Last time I go to Quickie Cuts.

Zuri: Yeah, just because you get a coupon doesn't mean you should use it.

Trevor: Up and back in 22 seconds. Beat that, Puke.

Luke: The name's Luke. Although the view of your butt did make me want to puke. Now watch and learn. I'm gonna climb this wall faster than a spider monkey on a sugar high.

Jessie: Uh, Luke, aren't you forgetting something?

Luke: Oh, yeah. Trevor, let's put some money on this.

Jessie: No. No, no, no. I didn't mean gambling. I was talking about a helmet.

Luke: Jessie, I can't wear this!

Jessie: Don't worry, I can fix the strap.

Luke: No, I mean it's got a princess on it.

Trevor: It's got a princess under it, too.

Jessie: Look, I am sorry, but safety comes first. And hey, I think you're getting a little sunburned, so let me just...

Luke: No, I'm not... I'm fine and I'm going up. Trevor, start timing me. Whoa, sunscreen. This is slippery. Whoa, falling!

Jessie: I got you. Okay.

Trevor: You got 20 more seconds. Maybe she can carry you up.

Luke: All right. All right, that's it! We're going to settle this like real men. By playing paintball in weird costumes!

Trevor: You're on! Me and my brother, Dirk, are gonna be gladiators. And we're gonna feed you to the lions.

Luke: Yeah, well my team's going to be zombies. We're gonna eat your brains!

Jessie: Yeah, if you had any! Up top!

Luke: Sorry, but it's too dangerous. I don't have a wrist protector.

(INTRO)

<u>''Penthouse''</u>

Zuri: Em, you are cordially invited to my tea party tomorrow. Dress is black tie and tails.

Emma: Thank you. As always I shall be delighted to attend. But please don't sit me next to Chubby the Bear. He hogs the honey and never wears pants.

Emma: Jasmine!

Jasmine: Emma! Kisses.

Zuri: Hey! I'm not a coatrack!

Jasmine: You are now. Fantabulous news.

Emma: What is it?

Jasmine: Check your phone. I'm busy.

Emma: You scored us two seats to Zach Posen's fashion show? 

Jasmine: Front row!

Emma: When is it?

Jasmine: Tomorrow at 3:00!

Emma: I can't wait!

Zuri: But, Emma, tomorrow's my tea party.

Emma: Zuri, that's kid stuff!

Jasmine: Hello? We're talking Zac Posen. The front row will be all celebrities.

Emma and Jasmine: Yay! Phone five!

Zuri: But what about our celebrity guest? Kenny the Koala is coming all the way from Luke's room.

Jasmine: Don't you have something to finger paint?

Zuri: I'd finger paint your coat, but it just caught a cab to Brooklyn!

<u>''The Park''</u>

Luke: So, think you can duck and roll like that?

Bertram: No. If I start rolling, I won't stop until I hit the duck pond.

Luke: Come on, Bertram! I need a paintball partner, and you need someone to keep quiet about what happened to Mom and Dad's wedding china.

Bertram: The lizard startled me.

Luke: Whatever. The point is that gravy boat is never setting sail again. Come on, we've only got one day to practice before the competition.

Bertram: Okay, what do I have to do?

Luke: Well, the first rule of paintball is to have a good hiding place. So, survey the terrain carefully, and find the perfect spot. Now go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Luke: Really? You're exposed.

Bertram: Oh, dear.

Trevor: Hey, Puke! Don't even bother practicing, 'cause my brother Dirk and I are gonna pound you like a chicken cutlet.

Luke: Wow. Dirk had a growth spurt.

Trevor: Yeah, he beefed up. In prison.

Luke: Does he know you can just twist the top off?

Trevor: Does your partner know he needs a bigger lamppost? (shoots painball gun at Bertram)

Bertram: Oh, oh, oh, oh, no!

<u>''Penthouse''</u>

Bertram: If you'll excuse me, I'm off to clean up before dinner. We're having salmon.

Luke: Ugh, I hate salmon.

Bertram: I know!

Jessie: Great. When Bertram cooks angry, no one wins. I still haven't passed that marble that somehow "wound up" in my mashed potatoes.

Luke: Meanwhile, I still need a partner.

Jessie: You know, my dad taught me how to field-strip an AK-47 when I was in third grade. FYI, that'll win you the school talent show every time.

Luke: I need a partner with cat-like agility.

Jessie: Really? Got a hankering for some walnuts.

Luke: And they also need to be really strong.

Jessie: Gee, these walnuts are still in their shells.

Luke: Oh, thanks. But where am I gonna find someone like that?

Jessie: Oh, for the love of fudge, pick me!

Luke: What? You want me to go into combat against Trevor with my nanny? Haven't you embarrassed me enough?

Jessie: I wasn't trying to embarrass you. I was trying to keep you from getting a boo-boo!

Luke: Quit babying me. If I show up with you, I might as well just wear a diaper and a bib!

Jessie: But then you would catch a cold! Oh, see, I did it again.

<u>''Kitchen''</u>

Zuri: Bertram I'm inviting you to my tea party tomorrow.

Bertram: Oh, thank you, but tomorrow I have to... check to see if the cheese has gone bad.

Zuri: But you have to come. Emma ditched me for Jasmine Epstein!

Bertram: Ugh. Jasmine. You know what the other butlers say, that she's a horrible gossip. But you didn't hear it from me.

Zuri: My lips are sealed. So you're gonna come to my tea party, right?

Bertram: No! Don't look at the eyes.

Zuri: Please?

Bertram: Oh, I can't.

Zuri: Please!

Bertram: No!

Zuri: Please!

Bertram: Okay, okay, okay! With lungs like that, you could be a professional sponge diver.

Zuri: Thanks. The party is BYOB. Bring your own boa.

<u>''The Park before paintball''</u>

Ravi: Luke, I do not know what "bottom of the barrel" means, but thank you for choosing me as your partner. I am ready to paint the ball!

Luke: Great. Just try not to disappoint me more than I think you're going to. Oh, go, go, go. The game is starting. Just, uh, stay down, and cover me.

Ravi: I am here for you, brother! If you're still cold, I can buy you a warm drink. Drink vendor, over here, my good man.

<u>''Kitchen''</u>

Jessie: Bertram, can I ask your advice?

Bertram: Yes, I think you should give up on your dreams and move back to Oklahoma.

Jessie: It's Texas. So, Luke is about to get paint-stomped by that little virus, Trevor, but he won't let me help him because he thinks I'll embarrass him.

Bertram: Why would he think that?

Jessie: Well, I may have kind of embarrassed him.

Bertram: Did you roll into the duck pond, too?

Jessie: No, but there was an incident involving a pink bicycle helmet, some sunscreen, and I may have kind of cradled him in my arms. Blah, blah, blah. The point is I know I can help him, but he doesn't want me there. So what should I do?

Bertram: Do what I do. 

Jessie: Hide in the pantry and pretend to inspect cheese?

Bertram: And count the days till all the kids are off to college. Or in Luke's case, a correctional facility.

Jessie: Well, when the going gets tough, you won't find me in the pantry with my face in the feta! I'm gonna go help Luke, and this time, I won't embarrass him. Should I bring him a juice box?

Bertram: No. And for the record, you'll never see me going out of my way for these kids. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.

<u>''Zuri's Room''</u>

Zuri: These cookies you brought are too hard.

Bertram: They're not cookies. They're scones.

Zuri: More like stones! Good thing I got another set of teeth coming in, because these are trashed.

Bertram: I don't hear the lizard complaining.

Zuri: What does he know? He eats dead rats. I miss Emma. This is no fun.

Bertram: You think you're miserable? I'm wedged into a toy chair, my boa is molting, and this tiara is cutting off the blood flow to my brain.

Zuri: Hey, beauty hurts. You're the worst tea party guest ever!

Bertram: I would like to point out that, unlike Mr. Kipling, I haven't tried to eat the other guests.

Zuri: Here, have a cupcake I made in my Queasy-Bake oven.

Bertram: And what's the number we call in case of emergency?

Zuri: 9-1-1.

Bertram: Remember that. Mmm. A tad underdone. Maybe you should try cooking it under a larger lightbulb. I believe Rachael Ray recommends a 50 watt.

<u>''The Park playing Paintball''</u>

Trevor: Hey, Puke! Is that crying I hear?

Luke: No! Quit crying!

Ravi: You should be grateful I have not gone into my panicked projectile vomiting. Now hand me your underwear!

Luke: Why?

Ravi: I need something white to display to show them I surrender!

Luke: Well, what's wrong with your underwear?

Ravi: It is no longer white.

Luke: Come on, Ravi, move out.

Jessie: Yo!

Luke: Jessie?

Jessie: Yeah.

Luke: What are you doing here? I already have a partner.

Ravi: No, you do not. But I'll be happy to lend you moral support. From behind that parked car. I am deserting! Please withhold your pellets of pain!

Luke: Clearly, I've been humiliated enough without any help from you.

Jessie: Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you yesterday by being overprotective. Hey, why aren't you wearing padding?

Luke: I am, under my clothes!

Jessie: And I did it again. Look, I'm here to make it up to you. Will you just give me a chance?

Luke: I don't know, Jessie.

Jessie: Oh, come on! See, I took out those two ninjas and that team dressed as accountants.

Luke: Uh, I think those really are accountants!

Jessie: Oh, sorry, guys! On the bright side, dry cleaning is deductible!

Trevor: You just got sacked! Time out! Time out! Hey, Puke! If you keep hugging that rock, you're gonna have to marry it.

Jessie: Oh, yeah? Nice dress, knobby knees!

Luke: Yeah!

Trevor: It's a centurion battle skirt!

Jessie: And he taunts you?

Trevor: Hey! Luke, how many partners do you have?

Luke: Just one. My nanny! Nope, no way to make that sound cool.

Trevor: Your nanny? Is she gonna read you a bedtime story?

Jessie: Yeah, it's called Nanny Makes Trevor Go Night-Night! That didn't sound very cool either.

Luke: No, it didn't.

Jessie: No.

Luke: I think it's the word "nanny" that kind of makes it sound lame.

Jessie: Nanny? Maybe we should try "au pair".

Trevor: What are you people talking about?

Jessie: We're done talking. I'll show you what a nanny can do. All right, keep your eye on the tree.

Luke: Nice shot!

Jessie: Why, thank you.

Trevor: Whoa! I'm getting my gluteus maximus out of here!

Jessie: Mmm-hmm. I am so sorry, little pigeon. I thought you were a pinecone.

<u>''Penthouse''</u>

Emma: I'm ready! How does my mom's dress look with the heels you lent me?

Jasmine: Meh, but don't worry, it'll be dark.

(Emma slips and falls down stairs)

Jasmine: O-M-G! Are you okay? (takes shoes from Emma) You poor, little soul. Don't worry. Mommy's here. And she loves you. She loves you.

Emma: You know, for such expensive shoes, they don't work very well.

Jasmine: Text flash. One of the Olsen twins is available and wants to come tonight.

Emma: Really? Which one?

Jasmine: Does it matter?

Emma: I can't believe I'm going to meet an Olsen!

Jasmine: Ooh. About that. I only have two tickets.

Emma: So you're not gonna go?

Jasmine: You're so cute. Check your phone.

Emma: Oh. So, I'm the one not going?

Jasmine: Ding ding ding! Sorry, Em. I'll text you pics!

Emma: And I have a text for you.

Jasmine: That's rude! You text your mother with that phone?

Bertram: Hey, aren't you supposed to be at a fashion show?

Emma: Aren't you supposed to be a guy?

Bertram: Hey, I'm only wearing this getup because you ditched your little sister.

Emma: Yeah, well, Jasmine just ditched me.

Bertram: Fantastic! I mean, aw, that's too bad. You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling down? A tea party with a burping lizard.

Emma: Zuri's really mad at me. She probably doesn't want me around.

Bertram: I don't know. She set a place for you and she didn't let anyone else sit there.

Emma: Really? Not even Millie the Mermaid?

Bertram: Nope. Go have fun. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to pry this chair off my butt.

<u>''The Park''</u>

Luke: This is awesome! I can smell victory!

Jessie: Now let's finish this! Lock and load!

Luke: Mummies, three o'clock! Run home to Daddy, mummies!

Jessie: To the mushrooms!

Trevor: Hey, Puke! Looks like it's just you and us! Get ready to eat paint!

Jessie: We don't eat paint! We serve it!

Luke: With a side of butt-kicking! A la mode!

Jessie: With sprinkles!

Luke: Okay, we're done now.

Jessie: Let's do this, partner.

Luke: Hey, Trevor, prepare to get puked!

Trevor: Ugh. Epic fail!

Luke: Yeah! That's right! You've just been nannified!

Jessie: Game over. You won!

Luke: No, we won.

Ravi: Jessie, Luke, I am so proud. While you were fighting for your lives, I ran to the teacher supply store to pick up these congratulatory stickers. "Great job!" "You are a star!" And see, it is shaped like a star!

Jessie: Thanks, Ravi. Come on, guys. Let's go home. Oh, hey, Trevor! Put on some sunscreen!

''<u>Zuri's Room</u>''

Emma: Hi, Zuri. Is there room for me at your tea party?

Zuri: I thought you said it was kid stuff. And aren't you supposed to be at the fashion show?

Emma: Well, I thought about it, but then I realized it was more important to spend time with my little sister.

Zuri: Mmm-hmm?

Emma: Okay, okay. Jasmine dumped me.

Zuri: Chubby the bear called it. I owe you five bucks, Chubs.

Emma: So, can I sit down?

Zuri: Sure. Millie, I told you that seat was reserved! Excuse the scales.

Emma: No problem.

Zuri: Cupcake?

Emma: Don't mind if I do. Mmm, these are scrumptious!

Zuri:  Thank you. I added a dash of glitter. By the way, I threw Jasmine's jacket off the terrace.

Emma: Oh well done. After tea, let's go throw her shoes down the garbage chute.

Zuri: Why wait?

[[Category:Transcripts]]
[[Category:Season 1]]
[[Category:Season 1 Transcript]]