Zuri: Hey, I'm drawing here!
Jessie: Zuri, that is a beautiful... lion! Alien? Sasquatch? Tell me if I'm getting warmer.
Zuri: It's you.
Jessie: Hmm.
Zuri: See, this is your hair.
Jessie: Oh. Last time I go to Quickie Cuts.
Zuri: Yeah, just because you get a coupon doesn't mean you should use it.
Trevor: Up and back in 22 seconds. Beat that, Puke.
Luke: The name's Luke. Although the view of your butt did make me want to puke. Now watch and learn. I'm gonna climb this wall faster than a spider monkey on a sugar high.
Jessie: Uh, Luke, aren't you forgetting something?
Luke: Oh, yeah. Trevor, let's put some money on this.
Jessie: No. No, no, no. I didn't mean gambling. I was talking about a helmet.
Luke: Jessie, I can't wear this!
Jessie: Don't worry, I can fix the strap.
Luke: No, I mean it's got a princess on it.
Trevor: It's got a princess under it, too.
Jessie: Look, I am sorry, but safety comes first. And hey, I think you're getting a little sunburned, so let me just...
Luke: No, I'm not... I'm fine and I'm going up. Trevor, start timing me. Whoa, sunscreen. This is slippery. Whoa, falling!
Jessie: I got you. Okay.
Trevor: You got 20 more seconds. Maybe she can carry you up.
Luke: All right. All right, that's it! We're going to settle this like real men. By playing paintball in weird costumes!
Trevor: You're on! Me and my brother, Dirk, are gonna be gladiators. And we're gonna feed you to the lions.
Luke: Yeah, well my team's going to be zombies. We're gonna eat your brains!
Jessie: Yeah, if you had any! Up top!
Luke: Sorry, but it's too dangerous. I don't have a wrist protector.
(INTRO)
Penthouse
Zuri: Em, you are cordially invited to my tea party tomorrow. Dress is black tie and tails.
Emma: Thank you. As always I shall be delighted to attend. But please don't sit me next to Chubby the Bear. He hogs the honey and never wears pants.
Emma: Jasmine!
Jasmine: Emma! Kisses.
Zuri: Hey! I'm not a coatrack!
Jasmine: You are now. Fantabulous news.
Emma: What is it?
Jasmine: Check your phone. I'm busy.
Emma: You scored us two seats to Zach Posen's fashion show?
Jasmine: Front row!
Emma: When is it?
Jasmine: Tomorrow at 3:00!
Emma: I can't wait!
Zuri: But, Emma, tomorrow's my tea party.
Emma: Zuri, that's kid stuff!
Jasmine: Hello? We're talking Zac Posen. The front row will be all celebrities.
Emma and Jasmine: Yay! Phone five!
Zuri: But what about our celebrity guest? Kenny the Koala is coming all the way from Luke's room.
Jasmine: Don't you have something to finger paint?
Zuri: I'd finger paint your coat, but it just caught a cab to Brooklyn!
The Park
Luke: So, think you can duck and roll like that?
Bertram: No. If I start rolling, I won't stop until I hit the duck pond.
Luke: Come on, Bertram! I need a paintball partner, and you need someone to keep quiet about what happened to Mom and Dad's wedding china.
Bertram: The lizard startled me.
Luke: Whatever. The point is that gravy boat is never setting sail again. Come on, we've only got one day to practice before the competition.
Bertram: Okay, what do I have to do?
Luke: Well, the first rule of paintball is to have a good hiding place. So, survey the terrain carefully, and find the perfect spot. Now go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Luke: Really? You're exposed.
Bertram: Oh, dear.
Trevor: Hey, Puke! Don't even bother practicing, 'cause my brother Dirk and I are gonna pound you like a chicken cutlet.
Luke: Wow. Dirk had a growth spurt.
Trevor: Yeah, he beefed up. In prison.
Luke: Does he know you can just twist the top off?
Trevor: Does your partner know he needs a bigger lamppost? (shoots painball gun at Bertram)
Bertram: Oh, oh, oh, oh, no!
Penthouse
Bertram: If you'll excuse me, I'm off to clean up before dinner. We're having salmon.
Luke: Ugh, I hate salmon.
Bertram: I know!
Jessie: Great. When Bertram cooks angry, no one wins. I still haven't passed that marble that somehow "wound up" in my mashed potatoes.
Luke: Meanwhile, I still need a partner.
Jessie: You know, my dad taught me how to field-strip an AK-47 when I was in third grade. FYI, that'll win you the school talent show every time.
Luke: I need a partner with cat-like agility.
Jessie: Really? Got a hankering for some walnuts.
Luke: And they also need to be really strong.
Jessie: Gee, these walnuts are still in their shells.
Luke: Oh, thanks. But where am I gonna find someone like that?
Jessie: Oh, for the love of fudge, pick me!
Luke: What? You want me to go into combat against Trevor with my nanny? Haven't you embarrassed me enough?
Jessie: I wasn't trying to embarrass you. I was trying to keep you from getting a boo-boo!
Luke: Quit babying me. If I show up with you, I might as well just wear a diaper and a bib!
Jessie: But then you would catch a cold! Oh, see, I did it again.
Kitchen
Zuri: Bertram, I'm inviting you to my tea party tomorrow.
Bertram: Oh, thank you, but tomorrow I have to... check to see if the cheese has gone bad.
Zuri: But you have to come. Emma ditched me for Jasmine Epstein!
Bertram: Ugh. Jasmine. You know what the other butlers say, that she's a horrible gossip. But you didn't hear it from me.
Zuri: My lips are sealed. So you're gonna come to my tea party, right?
Bertram: No! Don't look at the eyes.
Zuri: Please?
Bertram: Oh, I can't.
Zuri: Please!
Bertram: No!
Zuri: Please!
Bertram: Okay, okay, okay! With lungs like that, you could be a professional sponge diver.
Zuri: Thanks. The party is BYOB. Bring your own boa.
The Park before paintball
Ravi: Luke, I do not know what "bottom of the barrel" means, but thank you for choosing me as your partner. I am ready to paint the ball!
Luke: Great. Just try not to disappoint me more than I think you're going to. Oh, go, go, go. The game is starting. Just, uh, stay down, and cover me.
Ravi: I am here for you, brother! If you're still cold, I can buy you a warm drink. Drink vendor, over here, my good man.
Kitchen
Jessie: Bertram, can I ask your advice?
Bertram: Yes, I think you should give up on your dreams and move back to Oklahoma.
Jessie: It's Texas. So, Luke is about to get paint-stomped by that little virus, Trevor, but he won't let me help him because he thinks I'll embarrass him.
Bertram: Why would he think that?
Jessie: Well, I may have kind of embarrassed him.
Bertram: Did you roll into the duck pond, too?
Jessie: No, but there was an incident involving a pink bicycle helmet, some sunscreen, and I may have kind of cradled him in my arms. Blah, blah, blah. The point is I know I can help him, but he doesn't want me there. So what should I do?
Bertram: Do what I do.
Jessie: Hide in the pantry and pretend to inspect cheese?
Bertram: And count the days till all the kids are off to college. Or in Luke's case, a correctional facility.
Jessie: Well, when the going gets tough, you won't find me in the pantry with my face in the feta! I'm gonna go help Luke, and this time, I won't embarrass him. Should I bring him a juice box?
Bertram: No. And for the record, you'll never see me going out of my way for these kids. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.
Zuri's Room
Zuri: These cookies you brought are too hard.
Bertram: They're not cookies. They're scones.
Zuri: More like stones! Good thing I got another set of teeth coming in, because these are trashed.
Bertram: I don't hear the lizard complaining.
Zuri: What does he know? He eats dead rats. I miss Emma. This is no fun.
Bertram: You think you're miserable? I'm wedged into a toy chair, my boa is molting, and this tiara is cutting off the blood flow to my brain.
Zuri: Hey, beauty hurts. You're the worst tea party guest ever!
Bertram: I would like to point out that, unlike Mr. Kipling, I haven't tried to eat the other guests.
Zuri: Here, have a cupcake I made in my Queasy-Bake oven.
Bertram: And what's the number we call in case of emergency?
Zuri: 9-1-1.
Bertram: Remember that. Mmm. A tad underdone. Maybe you should try cooking it under a larger lightbulb. I believe Rachael Ray recommends a 50 watt.
The Park playing Paintball
Trevor: Hey, Puke! Is that crying I hear?
Luke: No! Quit crying!
Ravi: You should be grateful I have not gone into my panicked projectile vomiting. Now hand me your underwear!
Luke: Why?
Ravi: I need something white to display to show them I surrender!
Luke: Well, what's wrong with your underwear?
Ravi: It is no longer white.
Luke: Come on, Ravi, move out.
Jessie: Yo!
Luke: Jessie?
Jessie: Yeah.
Luke: What are you doing here? I already have a partner.
Ravi: No, you do not. But I'll be happy to lend you moral support. From behind that parked car. I am deserting! Please withhold your pellets of pain!
Luke: Clearly, I've been humiliated enough without any help from you.
Jessie: Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you yesterday by being overprotective. Hey, why aren't you wearing padding?
Luke: I am, under my clothes!
Jessie: And I did it again. Look, I'm here to make it up to you. Will you just give me a chance?
Luke: I don't know, Jessie.
Jessie: Oh, come on! See, I took out those two ninjas and that team dressed as accountants.
Luke: Uh, I think those really are accountants!
Jessie: Oh, sorry, guys! On the bright side, dry cleaning is deductible!
Trevor: You just got sacked! Time out! Time out! Hey, Puke! If you keep hugging that rock, you're gonna have to marry it.
Jessie: Oh, yeah? Nice dress, knobby knees!
Luke: Yeah!
Trevor: It's a centurion battle skirt!
Jessie: And he taunts you?
Trevor: Hey! Luke, how many partners do you have?
Luke: Just one. My nanny! Nope, no way to make that sound cool.
Trevor: Your nanny? Is she gonna read you a bedtime story?
Jessie: Yeah, it's called Nanny Makes Trevor Go Night-Night! That didn't sound very cool either.
Luke: No, it didn't.
Jessie: No.
Luke: I think it's the word "nanny" that kind of makes it sound lame.
Jessie: Nanny? Maybe we should try "au pair".
Trevor: What are you people talking about?
Jessie: We're done talking. I'll show you what a nanny can do. All right, keep your eye on the tree.
Luke: Nice shot!
Jessie: Why, thank you.
Trevor: Whoa! I'm getting my gluteus maximus out of here!
Jessie: Mmm-hmm. I am so sorry, little pigeon. I thought you were a pinecone.
Penthouse
Emma: I'm ready! How does my mom's dress look with the heels you lent me?
Jasmine: Meh, but don't worry, it'll be dark.
(Emma slips and falls down stairs)
Jasmine: O-M-G! Are you okay? (takes shoes from Emma) You poor, little soul. Don't worry. Mommy's here. And she loves you. She loves you.
Emma: You know, for such expensive shoes, they don't work very well.
Jasmine: Text flash. One of the Olsen twins is available and wants to come tonight.
Emma: Really? Which one?
Jasmine: Does it matter?
Emma: I can't believe I'm going to meet an Olsen!
Jasmine: Ooh. About that. I only have two tickets.
Emma: So you're not gonna go?
Jasmine: You're so cute. Check your phone.
Emma: Oh. So, I'm the one not going?
Jasmine: Ding ding ding! Sorry, Em. I'll text you pics!
Emma: And I have a text for you.
Jasmine: That's rude! You text your mother with that phone?
Bertram: Hey, aren't you supposed to be at a fashion show?
Emma: Aren't you supposed to be a guy?
Bertram: Hey, I'm only wearing this getup because you ditched your little sister.
Emma: Yeah, well, Jasmine just ditched me.
Bertram: Fantastic! I mean, aw, that's too bad. You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling down? A tea party with a burping lizard.
Emma: Zuri's really mad at me. She probably doesn't want me around.
Bertram: I don't know. She set a place for you and she didn't let anyone else sit there.
Emma: Really? Not even Millie the Mermaid?
Bertram: Nope. Go have fun. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to pry this chair off my butt.
The Park
Luke: This is awesome! I can smell victory!
Jessie: Now let's finish this! Lock and load!
Luke: Mummies, three o'clock! Run home to Daddy, mummies!
Jessie: To the mushrooms!
Trevor: Hey, Puke! Looks like it's just you and us! Get ready to eat paint!
Jessie: We don't eat paint! We serve it!
Luke: With a side of butt-kicking! A la mode!
Jessie: With sprinkles!
Luke: Okay, we're done now.
Jessie: Let's do this, partner.
Luke: Hey, Trevor, prepare to get puked!
Trevor: Ugh. Epic fail!
Luke: Yeah! That's right! You've just been nannified!
Jessie: Game over. You won!
Luke: No, we won.
Ravi: Jessie, Luke, I am so proud. While you were fighting for your lives, I ran to the teacher supply store to pick up these congratulatory stickers. "Great job!" "You are a star!" And see, it is shaped like a star!
Jessie: Thanks, Ravi. Come on, guys. Let's go home. Oh, hey, Trevor! Put on some sunscreen!
Zuri's Room
Emma: Hi, Zuri. Is there room for me at your tea party?
Zuri: I thought you said it was kid stuff. And aren't you supposed to be at the fashion show?
Emma: Well, I thought about it, but then I realized it was more important to spend time with my little sister.
Zuri: Mmm-hmm?
Emma: Okay, okay. Jasmine dumped me.
Zuri: Chubby the bear called it. I owe you five bucks, Chubs.
Emma: So, can I sit down?
Zuri: Sure. Millie, I told you that seat was reserved! Excuse the scales.
Emma: No problem.
Zuri: Cupcake?
Emma: Don't mind if I do. Mmm, these are scrumptious!
Zuri: Thank you. I added a dash of glitter. By the way, I threw Jasmine's jacket off the terrace.
Emma: Oh well done. After tea, let's go throw her shoes down the garbage chute.
Zuri: Why wait?