(Scene starts in the living room)
Ravi: (Opens a present with a Mrs.Kipling shirt) (Gasps) Oh,joy! A lizard-embellished sweatshirt!
Emma: We thought it would go great with the Ravi-embellished sweatshirt we got Mrs.Kipling for her birthday!
(Mrs. Kipling growls, wearing shirt with Ravi on it)
Zuri: That still creeps me out.
Jessie: OK, Ravi, you have one more big birthday surprise from your parents. It should be here any minute.
Ravi: Oh, please let it be new bacteria for my microscope! I have had my eye on some very promising Paenibacillus.
Zuri: Wow, I wouldn't have chipped in for that sweater if all I had to do was swab the inside of my cheek.(touches cheek)
Ivan: (enters the scene) Surprise! I am for... (looks at note card) Ravi Ross. A birthday present.
Emma: Mom and Dad got Ravi an old astronaut for his birthday?
Luke: That's even weirder that the time they gave me a book.
Ravi: I am Ravi, and I hope your pockets are filled with bacteria!
Ivan: This is odd American greeting. I am here to take you on trip to space! (shows helmet)
Ravi: I am going into space? (pants happily)
Jessie: Ravi, tell your parents how you feel! (holds phone)
(Ravi breathes heavily, faints)
Jessie:He loves it! (stops recording)
Ravi: (wakes up, excited) (gasps) So, I am really, truly, going into space?
Ivan: Of course. (chuckles) I not joke anymore. One time in space, I pretend, "Oh my! We have lost heat shield!" is no fun cleaning fear vomit, especially in 0 G. (pretends to vomit)Jessie: What a lovely anecdote.
Jessie: Ravi, Ivan is an actual retired cosmonaut from the country Mypos.
(Ravi gasps)Ivan:Yes, we are tiny, but poor. When we gain independence,we got, uh,how you say? Small end of stick. Now, we build space program by offer recreational space flights to stinking rich foreigners. Ravi:Ooh, ooh, that is me! I am rich foreigner, and I've a very stinky brother!
Luke: Well, glad I could help! (laughs)
Emma:Ravi,we're over the moon excited for you.
Ravi:Technically, you cannot be over the moon, as there is no up or down once you leave Earth's atmosphere,and the gravitational-
Emma:How soon can you launch him into space?
Jessie:Actually, guys,that's the 2nd part of the surprise. We all get to go too!
Emma:(gasps) I'm so excited,I don't even care that I'll have to wear a bulky space onesie!
Zuri:Are we sure this is safe? I just looked up Mypos,and its chief export is pollution!
(Ivan coughing,holds chest)
Jessie:Don't worry. We're going with a highly trained astronaut.
Ivan:Fantastic! Who did you find?Jessie:Uh, you?
Ivan:Me? No,no,I not going. New model of Myposian spacecraft is piloted by state-of-art artificial intelligence. It has been tested many times. Of course, only with monkey passengers, but some come back alive!
(kids look at Ivan weirdly)
Jessie:Your parents couldn't have just given you a bicycle?
(scene changes to park)
(main cast running)
(stop running,Ravi panting hard)
Ravi: Why do we have to run around the park to go into space? Will we not be mostly sitting?
Jessie: Yeah,in which case, shouldn't Bertram be coaching us?
Ivan:You must be physically fit before trip. Going into space takes toll on body. For instance, I am 31. Here, read space flight manual, you kids must learn much mathematics and science.
Luke:Yeah, right, because in all the best space movies,they're fighting aliens with the power of calculus(snorts,points to nose).
Jessie:Good luck trying to get Luke and Zuri to do their homework. All I ever hear from them is "Aw, man, do I have to?"
Ivan:Uh, well, you must also memorize cover to cover.
Jessie:Aw, man, do I have to?
Ivan:Come, peoples. We will now learn about propulsion. (shows chair) Each chair is equipped with own jet pack.
Ravi:To demonstrate that in space,any action is met with an equal and opposite reaction.
Ivan:You are without girlfriend, yes?
Ravi:Yes,that is correct. (sits on chair)
Ivan:All right. Push lever for fun time.
Zuri:(pushes lever) Whoo-hoo! Rocket chairs are awesome! (stops) Ugh,swallowed a bug! (continues)
Ravi:(chuckles) My lever has clearly been over-tightened.
Emma:Let me try,Neil Arm-weak.(pushes lever)
(Ravi screams,chair crashes)
Jessie:Ivan, don't you have a more official training facility?
Ivan:Well, we did, but we lost lease.(chuckles)Now, is skating rink.
(scene changes to penthouse)
Ivan:Now, this is radiation detector, in case you go off course and begin to hurtle towards Sun.
Jessie:(nervously)Mmm-hmm. (normal)Oh, that's (clears throat) interesting symbols. Happy face, sad face, melted face. I'm starting to get a scared face.
Emma:Bless you, Ravi.
Luke:I think you're allergic to impending doom.
Ivan:All right, pay attention. I'm going to show you most important tool on space craft.
Jessie:Oh, please tell me it's the thing that keeps us from hurdling into the Sun!
Ivan:Better. Barf bag, and bathroom. Do yourself big time favor,and use only in that order.
Emma:Ew! I won't even use the same toilet seat as Luke, and you want me to poo and spew in the same bag?
(Ravi coughs and sneezes)
Jessie:Bless you, Ravi. Are you feeling OK? (feels forehead) Oh,man,I think you're coming down with something.
Ivan:Oh, no. This is no good! You cannot go into outer space if you have sickness!
Ravi:I am not sick! Uh,tell them,Mrs.Kipling!
(Mrs.Kipling wearing mask)
Ravi:Every day, you eat dead rats marinated in swamp water, but now you are afraid of germs?
Jessie:Ivan, it's Ravi's birthday! So, he has a few sniffles,what's the big deal?
Ivan:Potentially deadly sinus pressure. Plus,when he sneezes, boogers floating everywhere!(shows hands)
(Scene ends, advertisement break for TV viewers)
Jessie: Uh, guys, hustle up! Ivan is here to take us to our old, rickety space shuttle.
Why do I get the feeling those are gonna be my last words?
Ivan: No, if history is any indication, your last words will be, "ah! These suits were supposed to be fireproof!" (Laughing)
Zuri: If we find an alien, can I keep it?
Jessie: Zuri, I think one disgusting creature in the house is enough. (Chuckles) Two, if you count Mrs.
Kipling. Emma, we're going to space, not wintering in St. Bart's.
Emma: I need to be prepared. I don't know what the weather is going to be like, in space.
Jessie: There is no weather.It's space!
Emma: So, I should layer?
Bertram: There's a twenty in it for you if you strand them on the moon.
Ravi: Have a safe trip, while I am here, sick, stuck on earth, missing out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.
Luke: You heard the man, let's boogie! (All cheering)
Bertram: It's okay, Ravi. I'll take good care of you.
Ravi: Thank you, Bertram. Can I have some nice, hot soup? Sure, the deli menu is right next to the phone.
Bertram: Oh, and order me a corned beef on rye, while you're at it.
Jessie: Could you pass me the bathroom?
Luke: Whoa, zero gravity is so cool.
Jessie: Okay, we are safely in orbit. All things considered, that's a miracle.
Emma: Speaking of which, check it out.
Luke: Wow, I've never seen so many stars.
Emma: (Chuckles) I know. It's like someone bedazzled nighttime! (Chuckles) Wow.
Zuri: Can you believe it? We're among only a handful of people in history to ever experience the magic of space flight. I'm bored. Does this thing get cable?
Jessie: Zuri, knock it off! This isn't Bertram, you can't just hit it and make it do what you want.
I.V.A.N.: Thank you.
Jessie: You're welcome. Wait, who said that? Did we pick up a hitch hiker?
Ivan: I am I.V.A.N. I-v-a-n. My name stands for intelligent vehicular aerospace navigator. I am your autopilot.
Luke: Wow, you sound like Ivan, but you don't have his accent.
Ivan: That is because I am programmed to speak in the correct manner of whoever is on board.
Luke: Oh, that's cool.
Ivan: Yeah, dawg.
Emma: (Chuckles) That's so cute!
Ivan: Totes adorbs.
Emma: (Snickers) Hey, that doesn't sound anything like me!
Zuri: Yeah, right.
Jessie: Hey, guys, let's let Ivan do his job, so we don't go crashing into the sun.
Zuri: Okay.Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Ivan: Quit it! Okay.
Zuri: I'm thirsty.I'm thirsty.I'm thirsty!
Ivan: Do not make me turn this spacecraft around.
Jessie: Welcome to my world. Or the atmosphere outside it.
(Switch to the Penthouse back on earth)
Bertram: Hey, Ravi. How are you feeling?
Ravi: Hmm, let me see. How would you feel if your entire family left you alone, and ran off to outer space?
Bertram: Have you met my mother? Like Christmas and my birthday, all wrapped up into one.
Ravi: And the worst thing is, I am no longer feeling sick! It must have been a 24 hour thing. Kind of like your last nap.
Bertram: Look, Ravi, I know you're disappointed, but did you really expect them to pass up the opportunity of a lifetime?
Ravi: Yes! Space was supposed to be my birthday present. I did not read the book Luke got for his birthday!
Bertram: Yes, you did. You caught two typos, and emailed the publisher.
Ravi: My point is, I should be the one in orbit! If there is any justice in this world, they are having a horrible time in space!
(Switched to the spacecraft)
Luke: We are having the best time in space! And I am really loving this burrito paste. I'm saving so much time on chewing.
Zuri: (Chuckles) Luke, you don't chew on earth.
Luke: (Farts) Whoa! (Beeping) Yuck.
Zuri: That reeks! Open a window!
Jessie: No! Don't open a window! Do not open a window!
Emma: Great. Now we're gonna have to smell that in our recycled air for the next two days!
Jessie:Okay, no more floating around. I'm turning on the gravity.
Luke: (Yells) Ow! Space hurts.
Zuri: What's with the flashing lights?
Emma: Club deep space in the house, y'all!
Jessie: Oh. Oh, no.It looks like when Luke butt-burped into the wall, he hit the, eject autopilot computer button!
Luke: Hey, don't blame me. Blame whoever thought a good space lunch would be a tube of Mexican food.
Ivan: Someone is not getting their tube of flan.
Jessie: Oh, no! The computer is drifting away!
Ivan: I told you not to touch anything, but, no! (Echoing)
Luke: Wait a minute, if Ivan is gone, then no one's flying the ship. We're, lost in space!
Jessie: Whoever said, "in space, no one can hear you scream," clearly never met Emma.
(Switched back ot the penthouse)
Ivan: Bad news, homies! The computer that pilots the craft has been ejected into space!
Ravi: What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about my family? Are they okay?
Ivan: Well, they drift hopelessly in space, with only two days of oxygen, so ultimately they are doomed.
Ivan: But on the bright side, they have all the chimichaga paste they can eat.
Bertram: Why is it even possible to eject the computer that controls the ship?
Ivan: In my country, we fear computer becoming evil and turning against human crew. We see this in your American documentary, 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Bertram: That wasn't real. It was a Sci-Fi movie from forty years ago.
Ivan: Not real? (Laughing) Hold your phones. Next thing you tell me Hogwarts wizard school is not accredited institution. (Laughing)
Ravi: Ivan, we have to do something! Is there any way to get to space and save my family?
Ivan: Well, we could maybe take older rocket. But price would have to be right.
Ravi: Oh! I will crack open my piggy bank.
Ivan: That is cute, but it would take great deal of monies.
Bertram: His piggy bank is ten feet tall and kept under armed guard in a corner of fort knox.
Ivan: In my country, piggy banks are actual pigs. Do not ask how we make withdrawal.
Ravi: We have to go! Every second counts. We must save our family! Right, Bertram?
Ravi: I cannot believe we are doing this!
Bertram: I can't believe this thing has shag carpet.
Ivan: (Laughing) It's just a big lizard. For a moment, I thought it was deadly alien creature we accidentally bring back to earth in '86. We named him Norm.
Bertram: As if the eight-track player didn't make me nervous enough.
Ivan: This rocket is not as advanced as the one your family took, but I assure you it is still state-of-the-art technology.
Bertram: Does this window actually have a hand crank?
Ivan: Oh, good catch. We need to roll that up.
Mrs. K: (Growling)
Ivan: All right. Hold on your hats. We are lift-up in three, two, one! (Engine sputtering) One! (Engine sputtering) One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one! (Engine sputtering) (Clears throat) (Electricity crackling)
Bertram: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Ivan: Relax, I do this all the time.
Bertram: Mrs. Kipling, quit hogging the bathroom!
(Switched back to the other rocket)
Zuri: I'm so scared.
Luke: Don't worry, we're gonna be okay.
Zuri: Then why are you crying?
Luke: (Sobbing) Because your fingernails are digging into my arm.
Emma: (Screaming) Hideous alien!
Jessie: I would ground you, but we're two hundred and twenty miles above the ground!
Zuri: Jessie, did you find the ship's autopilot?
Jessie: Not yet, but the good news is, now I can add spacewalking to the special skills on my resume! In your face, Sandy Bullock!
Emma: Leave Sandy alone! If you're lucky, she'll play you when they make a movie about this horrible disaster!
Jessie:I see the autopilot! It's a couple hundred yards away.
Luke:Well, don't just float there. Go after it!
Jessie:(Sighs) I can't. My tether isn't long enough!
Zuri:No problem. I'll push the "untether" button!
Jessie: No! Don't do that! No!
Emma: Jessie, come back!
Jessie: How do you suggest I do that?
Luke: Uh, try doggie paddling!
Jessie: (Sighs) This is a great time for the smart one to be back on earth!
(Switched to other rocket)
Bertram: Are we running low on oxygen, or does everybody see the floating lizard?
Ravi: Oh, there they are! Uh, turn right! Now!
Ivan: Oh, I have to back it up. (Screeching) (Reverse beeping) Excuse me.
Bertram: Seriously? (Sniffs) Did this used to be a garbage truck?
Ivan: That is state secret.
(Switched back to other rocket)
Luke:Have you been able to get through to anybody?
Emma:We're like hundreds of Miles from earth. I can't get a signal! (Sighs)
Zuri: That's weird, because the phone company's satellite just floated by.
Luke: Wait. We can use this thing to call earth! Uh, does anyone know earth's number?
Emma: Maypole, maypole!
Luke: It's "mayday!"
Emma:It doesn't matter what day it is? Mission control should not be closed! (Sighs)
Zuri: (Sighs) I wish Ravi were here. He would say something patronizing, then come up with the solution!
Ravi: How ironic that you are stuck in space, considering that is all you have between your ears.
Zuri: Good one. You're smart, we're stupid. Now save us!
Emma: How did you get here?
Ravi: I came with Ivan. He has docked the back-up shuttle, and is ready to take us all back to earth.
Zuri: Good, let's get out of here!
Luke: No, we can't leave without Jessie!
Emma: Or my luggage. It always gets lost when I have a connecting flight.
Ravi: Where is Jessie?
Luke: Out there, stranded in space! We have to get her, but we don't know how!
Ravi:(Gasps) I have an idea! Emma, did you bring your usual assortment of hair dryers and scarves?
Emma: Duh. I'm wearing a potato sack, so I have to look good from the neck up.
Jessie: (Breathing heavily) Hello? Hello? Can, can anyone hear me? This is Jessie Prescott.
If anyone's listening, I'll give you my coordinates.I don't know. I'm in the middle of a bunch of stars, and they all look alike. Help!
Ravi: Jessie! (Blow dryers whirring)
Jessie: Ravi! You came to save me! Or style my hair?
Ravi:I'm here to save you. And after we get back to safety, I will help you take care of your helmet hair.
(On other rocket)
Bertram: It's too hot!
Ravi: This is what happens when you re-enter earth's atmosphere!
Ivan: Might also be because heat shield is made entirely of old chewing gum!
Emma: Ew, I'm getting melty face! Can't you activate the cooling system?
(Ivan hands out paper fans)
Luke: Is there anything on this ship that isn't made out of cardboard and tape?
Ivan: Ooh! Actually, toilet paper is made of high density sheet metal.
(Chuckles) Weird, no?
Jessie: Weird, yes.
Zuri: So, where are we gonna land this death bucket?
Ivan: Considering we are travelling around 17,000 miles per hour, I am hoping water.
Jessie:Hoping? I'd tell you what I think of you, but I don't want the last thing the kids hear to be inappropriate!
(Back on earth)
Jessie: Uh, he's coming to.
Ravi:(Grunting) What happened?
Zuri: Well, when you found out for your birthday you were going into space, you-
Ravi: Space! (About to faint but Jessie catches him)
Zuri:Yeah, pretty much that.
Jessie:Hey, help me get him onto the couch.
Luke: I haven't seen Ravi pass out this much since health class.
Ravi:Wait a minute! So, we did not go into space?
Bertram: No, but no one wishes more than I that you would.
Ravi: Oh, so, it must've all been a dream! And you were there (points at Jessie), and you were there (points at Zuri), and you were there (points at Luke), and your luggage was there (points at Emma).
Jessie: What happened in your dream?
Ravi:Uh, Luke almost trapped everyone in space forever with his flatulence.
Jessie: That's not as far-fetched as it might sound.
Ivan: So, Ravi, are you ready for your grand adventure in space?
Ravi: Absolutely! Just one thing. If we pick up any alien life forms, can we think of a better name than Norm?
Jessie:I think he hit his head harder than we thought.
Ivan: You are a very funny little boy. (Chuckles) Who told you about Norm?
Ravi: That was awesome!